It Ain't Easy Being A Mary-Sue
by Sprite Figwit's Fangirl
Summary: The rant about the pains of being Mary-Sue.


Author's note: My muse is gonna kill me for this. Not to mention what Hildor (my Mini-Balrog from Miss Cam) will do first.  
  
Author's multi-purpose Disclaimer: I do not own any of the LOTR stuff here. Neither do I own a Sue (other than the one referred to here). That does not mean I don't like Sues. There are some absolutely brilliant ones that simply amaze and astonish me with every new chapter. That in mind, please don't flame me for writing a parody.  
  
~It Ain't Easy Being A Mary-Sue~  
  
It ain't easy being a Mary-Sue. I mean, granted I'm talented at almost everything; I can outfight Aragorn and out cook Sam, but it wasn't easy getting those skills! Even I have my flaws. The way you people down-talk us Sues, you'd think we had all our skills granted to us. Well you should think again! The only way I could go to University (or at least be able to if I don't spend the rest of my life in Middle-Earth) was to win all the fencing competitions in my province/state and then to compete at the Nationals to get the sponsorship money. To be able to fight like that took more than some practice! And do you think I had time to practice? No. That's where I got my cooking skills. I had to cook breakfast, lunch and dinner for my Evil Aunt and Uncle. I'm at their house because I haven't seen my parents in the past thirteen years 'cause they're dead! Do you think that's easy? My relatives have high standards!  
  
And another thing. I bet you never thought about how many branches there are in Middle-Earth, eh? Well let me tell you. There's a lot. A lot a lot. I mean their 'roads' are in the middle of a stinkin forest! You have no idea how hard it is to keep your elvish hair in perfect condition when it keeps getting caught and tangled in the damn afore mentioned branches! I have to stop almost every fifteen minutes along to comb out those stupid tangles from the darn branches! And then they complain that you're slow! The nerve.  
  
Don't get me started on the clothes issue. Simply take the above paragraph and exchange 'branch' for 'rock', 'hair' for 'shoes', 'comb' for 'shake' and 'tangles' for 'stones' and you will have an appropriate paragraph rant. For shoes. Now multiply and change for each article of clothing. You get the idea.  
  
After all this labor, and when you finally get to Rivendell in your pristine condition, it's still not easy! Sure it's nice to have a nice long bath and to borrow Arwen's clothes. But still. Think about what happens as soon as you walk out your bedroom door. I mean, look at all the hot elves there are. You have to chose between Legolas, Figwit, Elladan, Elrohir, Elrond, Haldir (never mind the fact that Haldir is always on duty protecting Galadriel; she can be your grandmother and come pay you a visit), the list goes on and on! You get the picture. Too many choices. And that's just the elves! I mean, it's hard not to just sit down and drool at all the hotties going by. Even the 'extras' are hot! Decisions are so hard!  
  
However, you can avoid all those nasty complicating decisions by doing one simple thing. You can make yourself irresistible to all the hot people who are wherever you are! That way, you can pick and choose as you like, and if you fancy the elf that's walking by - you can go ahead (just watch out for Gimli though. He can be annoying until you've 'gained his trust'). This however, brings on its own problems. If your control over them isn't total (which can be hard considering the spatial distortion from the other Mary-Sues), jealousy among the males often breaks out. This can lead to one of those nasty fight to the death thingies (you know what I'm talking about. It's the one with the sharp pointy objects). If you aren't there when the fight occurs, you might be too late to heal them and then you may lose one of the hot people of Middle-Earth! And that would be a real problem. Especially if he was your favorite.  
  
The total control thingy leads to a much more serious problem. If you keep all your annoyances to a minimum, and keep a tight reign on all those around you, it's been rumored that you may attract the attention of the canon police. This is a bad thing. It's not easy to tell whether or not you've attracted their attention, because they're said to be awfully sneaky - although none have actually 'seen' one. Or at least seen one and had the decency to come back and tell us what they look like. The wretches.  
  
This doesn't even go into the actual adventure stage. As you can see, it's not easy being a Mary-Sue. For now, I'm going to go practice my singing on the terrace outside my room in an effort not to think about all the... incredibly gorgeous hot males wandering about, dazed from my beauty, in Rivendell. And the rest of Middle-Earth for that matter.  
  
. 


End file.
